Sunday, 17 May 2009

fuck bioshock 2

Bioshock 2:

Firstly let’s hit that subtitle running, shall we?

Sea of fucking dreams?

I know its set in the ocean but, for fuck’s sake, pull yourselves together 2K. Why not just call it “twilight of the mysteries” or “shadow of tomorrowmore” or how about “Bioshock 2: a giant whales dick” or some other equally generic piece of crap title a two year old could shit out.

Now I’m not against sequels per se, and I’d like to apologise for using the expression “per se”. Half Life 2, COD 4, Silent Hill 2: these are good games. And they’re distinct from their predecessor in terms of gameplay, graphics and their world or they expand on the story and answer the questions the first game didn’t. Or sort of anyway.

But what questions will Bioshock 2 answer that Bioshock one didn’t? Because what questions are there, other than “why the fuck did I buy this fucking game in the first place?” (read it and weep)

Basically that whole big sister angle looks really shit. You know what the big sister is? It’s Godzilla. It’s Rambo or the T-1000. It’s Darth Vader and the monster from Cloverfield (and that was Godzilla again anyway).

It’s just another ultimate hard ass monster designed to make your dick spasm uncontrollably and get your controller vibrating so hard you froth at the mouth. Or maybe that's just what happens to me.

Huge cyber monster badasses aren’t inherently bad (despite being the bad guys – little villain joke for you there) and maybe I’m just looking for cheap, extremely cheap, digs at this game. Except isn’t this sort of shit already mocked in films, T.V. shows and books?

Like how the hero meets some ultimate super villain and for 80 minutes just can’t make a dent until everyone comes together just right at the end and the pain is brung.

Here’s a super toughie you can’t even hurt!

You can’t kill it! You still can’t kill it!

Ok, finally we let you kill it. Well done, noble warrior of the sea. Go play with your drill and your little girls.

Anyway I was thinking about how they’re going to develop their characters and world in this game and I remembered hearing how they might make up to 7 Bioshock sequels.

I started thinking about old school comic books, from the golden age of comics. You’d have a set list of characters who’d appear in a number of issues, and most of the stories would be completely separate.

With Half Life and its sequel, the story continues fairly neatly. But the only connection, it seems, between Bioshock 1 and Bioshock 2 is the setting (and at least one of the characters from the original will appear).

That’s not necessarily bad, it worked for those comics. But can you imagine if 2K had a story so complicated and intense it was going to take 7 games to tell it? Rather than 7 games which just happen to be set in some ever expanding underwater city?

Maybe it’s not 7 and it’s only 5 or something, but even so everyone knows making a ton of sequels is a really bad call. Look what happened to Rocky.

They’ll get to the third one and you’ll be a team of marines descending into Rapture or some shit. Then the fourth one will be a prequel.

Then, like a tidal wave of shit, horrendous franchise games will flood the market, each with more sequels than the last and we’ll all soon be drowning in subtitles like “sea of dreams” and “mountain of snuggles”.

Everyone will realise their mistakes too late and spend the rest of their lives in self induced exile, endlessly remaking Bioshock in Flash until they’re torn asunder by a woolly mammoth. All because of Bioshock 5.

No comments:

Post a Comment