Tuesday, 2 June 2009

already bored of games i haven't played

So Prototype. You’re nearly here and you’re one of maybe 4 games I want to play by the end of the year.
But I have never been less excited about a game I’m excited about. And you know why? I’ve already fucking played the game.

Not in any actual sense, no, ha-ha. I mean in the horrendously pretentious so have you kind of aren’t all games the same sort of way.

I’ve been watching trailers trying to psyche myself up for this game, but it just can’t be done. At the end of one of them there’s a quote from Game Informer describing prototype as “the first of its kind.”

So what’s up Game Informer? You didn’t play GTA 3, Vice City, San Andreas, GTA 4, Spiderman 2, 3 and ultimate or web of shadows, Crackdown, Assassin’s Creed, Hulk: Ultimate Destruction, Fallout 3 or any of those other open world action games?
Get your hands out of your pants for five fucking seconds and scratch your heads if you have to.

Probably I’m being unfair. That quote was almost definitely taken out of context or maybe it wasn’t ever said at all.

Still, the game looks fun. Game Informer, in fact, described it as "really quite a blast." It’s just I’m sick of viruses and New York and Mutants and Soldiers. Aren’t there any other stories out there?

I can take monsters. I can take cities. I’m not asking for the story of Billy: the goat with the longest horns or any shit like that.

But what happened to I Am Alive? A game set in Chicago or somewhere after an earthquake: a survival horror with no monsters and almost no guns? Where water was going to be a big deal?

Sure, I’ve heard promises like that before. Water was going to be a big deal in Fallout 3 too. You’d drink it but it would make you sick with radiation. Did anyone actually drink water ever, except to get irradiated? I had stimpaks flowing out of my eyes by the end of that game. Why bother trying to purify water at all; everyone could live off stimpaks for fuck’s sake.

But no monsters would be different. If they get the NPCs right, so interacting with them feels like a big deal, then I Am Alive might be different and really good, for a change.

So I start watching another Prototype trailer. It’s the Top 10 Reasons why Prototype is far from typical. 10 reasons you must have Prototype.

Reason number 10, the first reason: “Run and Gun Firepower”.
Ok, surely they don’t mean you can run and shoot in this game. Surely that’s not what they’re proudly displaying in a list of unique facets of this game?

Because that would be unique as fuck.

Only I’m sure there’s another game you can do that in. Just…what was it called?

Seriously I can’t remember. Can anyone name another game you can run and shoot in?
Is that even possible with today’s physics engines?


  1. I'm surprised by your restraint. Let's have the whole list:

    10# "Run and Gun Firepower"
    Walk and shoot at the same time.

    9# "Projectile Dysfunction"
    Throw stuff.

    8# "Pwn Everyone and Everything"
    Brutal fatalities (see Mortal Kombat onwards).

    7# "Combo Attacks"
    Literally just what it says.

    6# "Brutal Devestator Attacks"

    5# "Jacking Military Vehicles"
    Like in GTA.

    4# "Stealth Kills and 'The Patsy'"
    Just like Assassin's Creed and...well, I'll be damned, that's actually original and neat!

    The top three are actually pretty good (although I don't see how flying qualifies as "parkour"...seems like they're just cashing-in), and therefore unworthy of mention. But then why the fuck didn't they just do a "Three reasons you must own Prototype" video, cutting straight to the good stuff?

  2. And an addendum: one thing that bothers me about this is how arcadey and insubstantial it all looks. The guy's doing all these outrageous power moves but they look oddly unsatisfying, like there's no weight to anything. Plus, is there anything to do in his game other than utterly annihilating everything in sight? Because that gets pretty old after about half an hour.

  3. I am very certain that no: there is nothing more to the game. It's a "rent title".

    There was a game, I think by Shiny, called Messiah. You played a cherub who could possess people and you had to do that to progress through the game.

    It's highly possible I'm the only person in the world, Shiny included, who remembers this game. And it looks like Prototype takes the idea to a greater extreme.

    But basically I won't be happy unless I can take over Barry Hamlett, the New York Fishmonger, and hide in his basement with his family hoping this whole "virus thing" blows over. Imagine the drama when the monsters break down his door and I'm forced to mutate to fight them, revealing to my adopted family that not only am I mutant but I also killed their husband/father and for the past six months have been grotesquely impersonating him right before their eyes.

    Then I can go and level New York city and sort the whole mess out. But what would be the point, The Hamlett's would never forgive me.