Wednesday, 10 February 2010

why I don't own mass effect anymore (maybe)

Ciaran
also, did you give me roland's copy of mass effect?

Alun
yes
I may have told you that

Ciaran
why?

Alun
maybe not
he was away in America

Ciaran
no, you told me it was my copy
you a trixy one alun

Alun
I definitely never said it was your copy
that would have been a lie
and wise men NEVER lie, as the Jesuits like to say

Ciaran
when I said "you can have bioshock if you return my copy of mass effect"

Alun
think about it

Ciaran
and you gave me mass effect without mentioning anything about it not being my copy

Alun
all I needed to do to satisfy you was to provide you with a copy of the game
why would I have come out and TOLD you it was yours?
I would have voluntarily perjured myself

Ciaran
which makes you a terrible person

Alun
for nothing

Ciaran
you still owe me a copy of mass effect then

Alun
well okay

Ciaran
until such a game is returned to my posession, you shall be known as 'awful person'

Alun
I was sure I'd told you; evil deeds never enter my mind

Ciaran
nope, 'awful person'

Alun
well okay
and I'll call you "Ciaran the Speccy Fatso from Swindon"
see?
see how little a name means?
so don't even bother
unless you want to call me "Fragrant Al the Comely Gal"

Ciaran
but your moniker is deserved
im not from swindon

Alun
you could be
all it takes is for a story to circulate
100 years from now

Ciaran
I do not care how my name is carried after death

Alun
when my memoirs are the only historical document of the 20th/21st centuries
such lack of foresight!

Ciaran
it is only in LIFE that we make our name

Alun
that's why they call you "Speccy"

Ciaran
and your is justly 'awful person'

Alun
"I remember my first meeting with Ciaran. He was an enormously fat man, and, being unable to walk, he had to be carried around by a team of weightlifters. These weightlifters all went on to be Olympic Champions, with the result that Ciaran was knighted for 'Services to British Athletics'. Ironically."

Friday, 5 February 2010

this week in stupid games

I’ve been looking for a game to replace Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I was hoping it would be Battlefield: Bad Company 2, but it won’t be. Mostly because it feels like the world, your character, and all the walls are made of a weird jelly. I’m distracted by how wobbly everything seems when I move around and then I’m being shot at by an army of bored looking clones, and I can’t tell, when I return fire, if I’ve even hit them, never mind if I’ve killed a motherfucker.

Aliens vs Predator won’t be replacing it either, the demo of which came out this week. The predator is not as tough as you’d expect, the marine is totally over powerful and the aliens best weapon is confusion and the game throws confusion at you by the shit ton. Most people don’t even know how to change weapon, or select what species they want to be.
I think having free for all as the only available game mode in the demo is a mistake too.
The stealth kills are either the best or worst aspect of this game. Only the aliens and predators can perform them, and they take so fucking long to do that I’m normally killed when someone comes up behind me to shove a tail up my asshole. It normally ends up like a queue of rancid murder. You turn a corner and see people lining up to fuck each other to death.

But I will say this for COD, the controls are great. And Aliens vs Predator has acknowledged this by copying them completely for the marine class, which I actually think is a pretty good call. But it does mean if you’re good at COD you’ll be great at Aliens vs Predator, since it’s almost the same, except sometimes guys are invisible or on the ceiling. I heard a guy shout "what the shit" when someone grabbed him from behind, and it seems like that is the bassline for this game.

I also became obsessed with Mass Effect 2 this week, pumping in 30 of my waking hours, and probably more whilst I was sleeping. It got to the point where I wondered why I couldn’t skip conversations in real life, and why it didn’t load when I went up and down the stairs.

Mass Effect 2 is basically about this guy who is trying to become the world record holder for sleeping with the most aliens, ever. The plot twist is that two of the aliens you can sleep with are actually humans (didn’t see that one coming, and that’s not a sex joke).
Sheperd, the main character, has also kidnapped an entire crew to pilot his ship, The Normal, which backfires when he doesn’t let his chef leave to even buy some ingredients, so he goes out to get it himself. And when he gets back the crew have shrunk themselves down and gone inside his body, so he has to go in after them. The lack of realism here is where the game falls down. Case in point: you actually have to meet and kill Sheperd’s skeleton. What makes less sense is it looks like it fits entirely in his stomach. Otherwise the game is good, and has some nice conversations.

Thankyou for your time.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

This week: Ben and I discuss Mass Effect 2, which I have played for more than a day, because I'm unemployed.

Roland says:
so i think shephard can die in the final mission

Fal Killmer says:
mass effect 3 will suck for those guys
put in the disc
'do you want to import your char from mass effect 2? GAMEOVER'

Roland says:
what mass effect needs
is more character interaction between yr crew
it doesn't really feel very homely on yr ship
but
i would like to see more of the universe
from a different perspective
like
everything feels very pristine
somehow sort of rigid and weird

Fal Killmer says:
ship needs more carpet

Roland says:
the best parts of the game, when it is most believable
are when people are talking to you
and you realise they've really thought out the history of this place, and how everything affects everything
but yr crewmates never hang out
you never see people just doing dumb shit, like moving crates and things
or whatever

Fal Killmer says:
i definitely agree with that
they never talk to each other
they just sit in their alloted spots

Roland says:
Yeah
the world doesn't feel lived in, but has a lot of background

Fal Killmer says:
i think they put a lot more effort in to the characters this time
which is a good show since there's like twice as many
but they still would be the one thing that would make it a lot better

Roland says:
yeah
but like
samara
totally unnecessary character

Fal Killmer says:
yeah they could trim off a few
if it meant making them better
but i mean it wouldn't be that hard to write a few more lines
just have them chatting shit to each other is all i want

Roland says:
yeah same

Fal Killmer says:
and yeah more shit that could just change on your ship
'where'd this table go'
'who fucking knows'
'oh it's over here kaidan alenko is playing poker on it'

Roland says:
what they need
you have made me realise
they need a scene
like that one in the wire
when herc and carv are trying to move that table in different directions

Fal Killmer says:
man yes
just some shit like that
the characters need to exist independently of sheperd

Roland says:
yeah
also
sheperd
i nearly really like him
but when he's being good
he seems like such a tool
and when he's being bad
it seems so forced

Fal Killmer says:
renegardpard
but yeah

Roland says:
i think he needs a slightly more desperate personality

Fal Killmer says:
he's best doing the neutral responses
they need a neutral emotion

Roland says:
Yeah

Fal Killmer says:
and if you have loads
you can deliver really neutral un-engaging speeches
to solve problems

Roland says:
Yeah

Fal Killmer says:
'well i think both sides have some points but what's important is that we move on to the next station'

Roland says:
yeah
"I don't feel one way or the other about either of you, but not in a negative way, let me assure you, we can keep this dynamic exactly as it is"

Fal Killmer says:
neutral bar man
maybe some neutral button on screen
you had to press it to stop yourself doing things

Roland says:
yeah
then sheperd just pulls out a newspaper
browses it, with casual interest
i bought an alien porn mag in the game
but i only just remembered
i haven't read it

Fal Killmer says:
you can't fucking read it and it sucks

Roland says:
oh WHAT
that's BULLSHIT

Fal Killmer says:
i know

Roland says:
Man

Fal Killmer says:
i want to complain

Roland says:
the game would be so much better if
in cutscenes that were mostly between two other people
in the back ground sheperd was always just reading it
so like
samara and that girl are fighting
it pans round
sheperd is just reading this porn mag
turning the page for the centrefold
all comedy games are just point and clicks man

Fal Killmer says:
man fuck for real
they need to let us make games

Roland says:
yeah
what the hell

Fal Killmer says:
it's a fucking outrage