Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Pre-ordering Fallout New Vegas

I never used to pre-order games. Final Fantasy Nine I did, and it was the fruitiest game of all time. I pre-ordered it because of Final Fantasies Seven and Eight. But Nine was set in the least masculine universe ever designed and I had to be a guy with a tail who dressed like a stripper version of a 13-year-old son of a noble from Venice in 1500. It wasn't totally awful or anything, but it wasn't great either, and it was as gay as hell. I shouldn't have pre-ordered Final Fantasy Nine because of Seven and Eight, I should have pre-ordered Seven and Eight because of Seven and Eight. Which obviously doesn't make sense.

So I didn't pre-order any games for a long time. I guess I didn't even really buy many games for the next half a decade or whatever. But whatever fuck you.

My teen reasoning was pretty sound. I liked Eight right after Seven, and this one was also made by the same people and was about saving the world like all the rest. But that massively did not stop them inserting a treehouse city for rat people or a king who was a frog with a moustache in to Nine. I learned my shit. I would not fall for this again. No one would catch me ringing magic bells in Gizamaluke's fucking Grotto or running a postal service for a fucked up race/society of mentally undeveloped cat pandas. But yeah, about a year ago I forgot all this shit. I pre-ordered Modern Warfare 2. And it was fucking awful. Exact same shit as last time. I bought MW2 because I liked a different game (MW1). This is the reasoning of a moron. Still, the punishment didn't fit the crime even remotely. Modern Warfare 2 is fucking atrocious and nothing warrants that shit.

Anyway, fuck what I'd learnt. Maybe I just wanted to spite whatever weird didactic narrative was running through my life (because fuck you, right?) or more likely, not that at all. Regardless, I pre-ordered two more games in the next couple of months and they were both fine. Fuck you, everyone, I win this round etc. As far as I can tell, the main goal of this industry is to trick me in to buying games that are shit. I don't think this is even particularly far from my actual opinion.

Obviously I pre-ordered a game yesterday (I guess it's not obvious if you are a fucking idiot). Half of why I started doing it again is probably due to me rarely being out shopping and feeling like a huge dick if anyone sees me in public with a videogame (had to buy some fucking Xbox charger the other day and I knew the girl behind the counter. Only my wearing a suit saved me from pure shame. She probably thought I had a good job or some other fallacious shit). Plus I guess I have money, and after years of poverty I'm probably reveling in consumerist disposable income joywanks. Actually that's pretty much all of the reasons.

Anyway, game I ordered is/was (the shit is the right tense there?) Fallout New Vegas. After the painless pre-ordering non-upsets that were Mass Effect 2 and Battlefield: Bad Company 2, this thing is already giving me prescient vibes or being a big shit that I got tricked in to willingly paying for.
I liked Fallout a lot, and I think Fallout 2 is more or less the best game ever made, so I guess I hate Fallout 3 a bit more than it merits for just being a shit game. And this game is more or less Fallout 3. But, three people who made Fallout 2 have important if somewhat ambiguous roles in the making of New Vegas, including Chris Avellone and Josh Sawyer, who seem like the two guys who give the most shits about the created world that Fallout takes place in overall. Q.f. Avellone's Fallout Bible and Sawyer's 'pen and paper' Fallout RPG. I should mention Feargus Urquhart too, but I'm writing this on my phone so can't really check up on him. Don't even know if I spelt his name right. I got the impression he was more or less the number two guy behind Fallout after Tim Cain anyway. Basically, pretty much the best 3 guys you could get. And apparently it's going to largely ignore Fallout 3 and be a lot more related to 1 and 2. And you can look down the fucking sights of guns, apparently. Which is I feel fairly useful in games where you have to shoot guns. But yeah, the guys who made Final Fantasy Seven also made Nine. But I guess I felt I was being too fucking cynical or whatever, and decided I would buy this game and play it without deciding that it will probably be shit. And, if you pre-ordered it, you got the one-sleeved leather jacket from the first two games (and Mad Max I guess, but I don't like it because Mad fucking Max wore it), and I'd avoid the ignominy of having to go in to a games shop and all that shit. So, decided I'd do it. Went on the website. For no good reason, the 'buy' button is unnecessarily small on this website, even if it is in the right place, so I missed it. Spent a second looking down the page, and there was a video for the game. Fuck, man. I should not have watched that shit. It was atrocious. It was like one of those hordes of meritless Modern Warfare 2 videos where morons who don't know any better upload edited clips of themselves 'no-scoping' their equally worthless opponents. This was interspersed with clips of the eponymous city which made it look way too much like Red Dead Redemption, which I guess wasn't an awful game, just unbelievably boring. I am pretty sure there is not a single line of dialogue in the video. For a series that was originally way more about talking and shooting, a video consisting of no talking, and loads and loads of shooting, is a fucking great sign. Maybe my pals Avellone et al had nothing to do with the video. Maybe that 3 minute video is the whole 20 hour game with all the non-shooting bits taken out. Maybe it is just a really shittily targetted and made video, created by some shit asshole, and the game's actually great. Like how the cover/poster of In Bruges makes it look like complete shit. But probably not, you know? I don't like to form opinions about shit from trailers and demos and press releases, but it's hard to avoid them. Told myself I wasn't going to be put off by that shit video and I ordered the game anyway. If I make a big stink about not buying a game because the demo was good, can't exactly go and not buy a game because the trailer was awful. But god man that trailer was really fucking terrible. Only worse things I can think of are those adverts for Halo. Which are genuinely the worst things that have ever been on television.

So yeah. As I get older, I think I'm going to be ordering nearly all my games online. So I'm likely to order a bunch of shit in my time, like quite possibly Fallout New Vegas. I could probably pre-order shit less though. That would dodge a whole lot of shitty bullets. I'd miss out on my one-sleeved leather jackets, but it would probably be cheaper, and I could feel legitimately superior to all those Ciaran Howleys who will buy something because it's new out and has a big release.

But I'll probably just end up buying a whole load more awful pieces of shit like Modern Warfare 2.

Fallout: New Vegas is out on October 19th (US) October 22nd (EU, AU) and November 4th (JP) 2010 for Xbox 360, PS3 and PC.

1 comment:

  1. HEY Ben nice use of the phrase "teen reasoning". It's not going to be easy to work that into every sentence I use tomorrow, but I'm going to try. Everyone please love the quirkiness of this message.